16.9.14

Faster Than the Speed of Adrenaline


Eventually your children will surpass you in all things cool and fun.  They'll tell you their stories and you'll be all, "ya well you suck!"

I've done some pretty cool things myself ... in this thing we call life.  I've jumped from an airplane and fell for 5000 feet before deploying a parachute.  I've polar bear swam in the Arctic Ocean, a few hundred miles  south of the North Pole.  There are maybe one or two more but they're probably illegal so ... ya ... moving right along ...

My oldest girl spent the night at her friends last weekend.  We packed her stuff the night before so she could take it with her to school the next day and not have to come home on the school bus first.  They walked to the public library where they were later picked up by said friend's Dad. 

She forgot her stuff.

I took it to her.

I arrived and they were outside jumping on the trampoline.

"Hi Mommy!!"

Hi, are you guys having fun?

"Yep"

"I got to go for a ride in a really fast car!  Tell Daddy when you get home."

She points to a black car parked in front of the garage.   It's dusk so I can't really make out what type of car but maybe BMW, Lexux or something ... looks like that type of classy fancy ... Jaguar possibly even but whatever.  I tell her that she's lucky and that I'll let her Dad know.  As I turned to walk back to my own car she called out, "it's the one with a trident".
A huh?  I don't know what that is ... she's probably wrong and it's a horse or  a duck.  I mean who's ever heard of a trident car before?  NO ONE.

 
 


As per my instructions I told her Dad about her ride.  He didn't know what the trident was either.

So I Google'd it.
 
Then I said HOLYFUCK!

In all my years on this planet I have never met a person who owns anything with this caliber.  Never.  Who the hell do you know that owns a Maserati?????!

When I picked her up the next morning ... in my ghetto-mobile ... which also happens to go faster than everyone else (except the Maserati) ... I asked the question.  The most important question you would ask someone who went for a ride in a ... well ... luxury car, "Did you at least go fast?"

"OMG I was pinned to the seat!!!!  Couldn't even move."

Yes.

12.9.14

Cha cha cha cha Changes ...

The thing about having a blog wherein you tell the humorous and not so humorous stories pertaining to your parenting experiences is that one day Internet, those children you're writing about will have their own presence ... their own little slice of you ... the grand ol' Internet, to call their very own.  They will become quite versed in the ways of you and they will discover all your secrets.  That's right ... all of them.  They will get sucked down the Instagram hole straight into the realms of Facebook.  You'll wonder why it's taking incredibly long for your own devices to connect until you realize that one of those children are feebly attempting to upload their very own 'waytoobigfile' vlog to a YouTube channel.  They will learn the art of download and game mods.  They will discover all the crazies of the world and all the evils that you, Internet, bring.  They may even force you to purchase a juicer.  That's right.  A Juicer!  Queenie blames those horrific you-tubers filling her children's heads with garbage!  One day when you're scanning through your own Instagram feed you will notice the familiar faces of children you've had over for play-dates.  They'll want to follow you and want a follow back because it's all about numbers people.  Numbers.  Maybe they'll see that one photo you posted of your child doing a silly thing.  Maybe they'll even take that photo and re-post it so that all your children's friends can see it.  Maybe your child will be embarrassed ... maybe they won't.  Maybe you will be lucky like Queenie is and have children who find humor in all aspects of life.

Both her kids have their own Internet presence and so now she must first obtain the required permissions to post shit about them.

In other words she has to think before she speaks and that is not an easy task.

For the record ... Queenie is trying to teach her girls how to use the Internet as opposed to blocking them from stuff.

Two things:

1.  DO NOT TALK TO PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW.  Strangers are strangers ... doesn't matter how well you think you know them.  You don't.

2.  If ever you see something scary or that you have questions about.  Turn off the screen and come talk to your Parents.

Queenie is a firm believer of teaching her kids reality.  Except for porn and illegal shit obviously, but the truth is you can't block every single boob picture from their eyeballs.  She also wants her girls to learn how NOT TO BE ... like boob pictures and stuff ... right.

She has tons of parenting stories to tell you. 

TONS!

Like ... Life with a tween ... we have boys and make up and more boys and changes and did she mention boys?  Hair and makeup?  Fashion?  Boys?

Like how standing in front of a mirror with a young girl makes her feel like a sun-dried piece of leather ... and stuff.

Like how young girls grow and learn how to become manipulative little bitches and how we deal with those types of people.

She can't tell you all those stories though because she doesn't know how to write them in a way that will cause no harm intentionally or unintentionally to those involved.

But all is not lost.

There is one more kid. 

One more child. 

One more member of Queenie's beloved family whom will have no qualms about being exploited on the interwebs!

... and the dirt Queenie has on this one!!  Sheesh.

 
 





Also, she's over the third person things so ... 





Later!!