29.5.14

I Will Never Forget the First Time I Saw Her

 
Her hair sparkled in the sun as it blew wildly around her face and stuck to the skin coated in sunscreen. Too much sun screen or maybe there is no such thing as too much.
 
"Here can you close this?" She passed me the slippery bottle of lotion and skipped off to join her classmates already three feet up in the tree. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something about her ... something special ... something different ... she had such an unusual air of confidence that I sat watching her for several minutes until someone blew a whistle.
 
It wasn't long before she was at my house for a play date.
 
"Can you fix the straps on my swimsuit?"
 
That's when I noticed the scar. It's not like I couldn't notice it. Puffy and white, it began somewhere above the hair line at the back of her neck ... continued down her spine and stopped just between her shoulder blades. I think my heart stopped beating for a moment. It was large ... it was invasive looking ... what could this child have possibly been through?
 
"Did you have an operation?" ... like duh but you don't really ask those kind of questions ... but she's a kid ... she won't be offended ...
 
However, swimming was on the adgenda and no one was interested in explaining past surgeries so the only answer I recieved was, "yep".
 
Her friendship with my daughter grew.
 
One day my daughter asked if I knew that her friend had cancer.
 
"WHAT? Who where how what? Who has cancer????"
 
"No, she had cancer. When she was little. She showed me pictures of when she was in the hospital and had no hair."
 
I cried.
 
I cried because for the first time ever I believed in hope.
 
So if you ever feel like life has you by the throat and won't let go until it ... at the very least ... dumps another ton of bullshit on you, look at her (she's the one on the back) ... she looked death in the eyes and she's still here to tell about it.
 


 
 
 
This was last weekend.


She is a five year cancer survivor.
 
I prefer to think of her as a miracle.
...
 

16.1.14

Gaming these days ... someone could easily lose an eye!!

A long time ago ... before people inhabited the earth ... ha ha just kidding, ... before Queenie was a mother, she was actually quite adamant about the fact that no children of hers would ever be playing video games. She always said, "if I ever have kids, hopefully they'll be girls so I don't ever have to worry about video games!"

See, where she comes from ... video games consisted of asteroids and pacman. No body she knew owned a gaming system and she herself can hold her head up high and say, "I have never played pac-man thank you very much." She has however, played pinball only because hanging out in the mall arcade was what the cool people did and well ... ahem ... and it's not like they were even there to play games in the first place. She's not sure why they were there ... she's not entirely sure why she was there. Now arcades only exist in children's indoor playgrounds ... sigh ... what's that all about anyway? Where are the kids supposed to hang out now?

Fast forward a million years from the 80's and guess who's children, both girls, have every gaming system known to man? Except for the PS(#?) and not because they haven't asked for it either!

Exactly.

Because nobody really gives a shit what Queenie's views on gaming are. No one. She is completely and totally out numbered in her home. It started with her husband, the Nintendo and Super Mario Brothers. They rented a system (remember when you could do that) ... what the hell happened to us in the past 20 years? It's like we've been through light years of advancement. Anyway, that's when she realized that video games were quite different than what she knew and she found herself watching tiny moustached men jumping over mushrooms like it was a god damned drama on Broadway!

"did you get through that level?"

"did you kill the dragon yet?"

She herself never played the games. She simply like to watch.

Once her husband won the game, Mario and the system were put away ... never to be heard from ever again ... until the next latest and greatest gaming system was released.

Then it stopped.

Then gaming became huge and kids everywhere were glued to a console, eating bags of chips and getting fat and that's when she said NEVER.

Of course we all know that when kids come along, anything you may have thought or wanted before they arrived is completely irrelevant. Especially when everyone in the entire world has an (insert every electronic gaming device here) except your poor deprived children.

The game of choice in Queenie's household of late is Minecraft. Queenie can't even wrap her head around Minecraft other than they build things. She doesn't know what it's all about or if there even is a set way to play it even though she has watched her girls build and chop for hours. She's OK with this because as she watches them play she sees logic being learned, time management as they wait for night to turn into day and unlimited creativity. Sure there are some zombies that need killing but whatever. She may also see them entering villages and stealing all the villagers stuff but hey ... it's just a game. Right.

Queenie had finally accepted that gaming would be part of her life.

Forever.

Until she came home one day and saw this.
 
Like??

What the hell is that for?

Really?

Of course there was only one left at the store so ... well ... sometimes it's a race to get to the chair first because ... sibling rivalry at it's best ... and sometimes, someone sprints from across the room, takes a flying leap for the chair and lands with her skull smashing into the sharp pointy corner of the solid wood coffee table sending their mother into panic and banning video games forever.
The End.
 

15.1.14

The Year She Made Her Children Wear Flip Flops in the Snow!!!

Hi Internet!!! Let Queenie tell you about the best pair of boots money can buy ... for you kid ... not you ... you don't need winter boots like duh ... when is the last time you owned a pair of winter boots? Exactly ... sneakers will suffice, besides you can always dry your socks out of the radiators in your office.

What? Did she say radiators?

Yes. We're not discussing radiators though and neither are we discussing your feet getting cold. What we are discussing is winter footwear for your kids.

Isn't it a little late for that though? Shouldn't everyone have the necessary footwear since well ... we're now headed into the thaw?

Like mostly everyone, Queenie picks her kids up some new winter boots at the local department store in or around September. This is Canada ... one can never tell when the snow, ice and bone chilling winds will arrive at your front door. And ... like most everyone else, she replaces said boots in or around now because boots purchased at your local department store (read walmart) suck ass and are either not waterproof like they indicated or have a hole the size of a softball worn right through the sole.

This year she did things slightly different. She went on a search for 'good quality' winter boots that would last her children, preferably, two seasons. The first pair she found in Sears for close to a hundred dollars. Her kid actually picked them out ... go figure. They fit so she bought them, only to discover that the very next week they went on sale for fifty percent off.

Queenie wished they fit her.
 

 
The second pair she picked up at her local shoe store that sells shoes in the million dollar price range. She knew exactly what she wanted. Of course since they were already well into the snow season, the availability of sizes was dwindling down but luckily Queenie saw a size one and snatched it up. She even got a twenty dollar discount and free pair of socks with toes, which brought the grand total to close to a hundred dollars!!
 

Those are just about the best boots you can buy your kid! There is absolutely nothing to them but neoprene and rubber and they keep feet warm in -30 degree weather. Celsius!! And dry. No more cold wet feet. Ever! They will never again require your help putting on their footwear or removing it for that matter. They can be worn in all the seasons as plain old rain boots. They're made in Montreal and have a better grip on ice than their 'Bog' competitors do. Queenie was in love with these boots and she still is! It's the person wearing them she has the issue with.

Do they fit?

Yep.

Are you sure?

Yep. They're exactly what I wanted.

***

days pass

***

Are you sure they still fit?

Yep.

***

weeks

***

Still fit?

Yep?

***

She notices the child removing her boots when she normally wouldn't remove her boots.
She notices the child removing her boots often ... in the car ... in the movie theater ... in the restaurant OK not the restaurant but ...

Queenie doesn't bother asking the kid because she knows what the answer will be. She simply removes the insole and looks at the toe marks ... which by the way are clearly mushed into the sides of the boots indicating that they PROBABLY NEVER FIT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BECAUSE NOW THEY CAN'T BE RETURNED!!

Damn! It!

Queenie will NEVER find those boots in a size two, now!!

Apparently Internet, her child's feet grew seventeen inches in the past month because, "they're tight and my toes are cold".
 
Anyone in need of size one boots for their child, she has a pair.  Brand new ... worn less than a month ... they're yours ... free!!

Queenie has these boots ...
 
 
They will last her the rest of her natural life ... unless a dog eats them ... in which case her love for animals will end and stuff will happen and well ... she didn't get the nine hundred dollar parka she wanted.



 

3.1.14

You are what you eat ... Queenie eats nuts.

Well here we are ... 2014 ... wondering where the hell all this time is going and if you're anything like yours truly then you're wracking your brain trying to figure out what to do for a resolution.

Or not.

You could simply do like her child and resolve to obtain ALL the Disney Infinity characters in 2014. Simple.

Or ... you could be like her and jump on the only train she has yet to take a ride on and that Internet, would be the nutrition train. Queenie has never once in her entire life been on a diet unless you count the week she drank slim fast but ... slim fast is a meal replacement ... not a shake that goes with your burger and fries ... so she probably shouldn't count that. Now don't go all huffy puffy on her, she isn't telling you that she has never required a diet ... she's saying that she has never been bothered. She always found alternative ways to lose weight when she deemed it necessary, such as starvation accompanied by high caffeine intake and a Tylenol to conquer that nagging headache. Another technique she found use full was extreme stress. Everything on your body turns to water and washes away ...

Let her make this clear however, when she says nutrition she doesn't mean diet for weight loss. The days of her dreaming of fitting into those size five pants have long since passed and she's fairly comfortable in her current size six. Oh OK SEVEN! Sigh ... it's not about weight, it's about health.

For all the years she's lived on this planet, she has always associated eating healthy with weight. If she didn't need to lose weight then she didn't give a poop what she put into her body. What? She isn't two hundred pounds so she's having poutine for lunch! Shut up and get over it! Except what she failed to realize is that her entire being is much more than two hundred pounds. It's more like a ton because Internet, did you know ... food ... is an important part of our well being.

Ya because Queenie ... did not.

Sometimes even ... food is better than medication.

Like way way back in the old olden days when you went to the doctor and they gave you some tea and a hunk of tree root to chew on ... and it worked. What was wrong with that?

Want to know what she discovered just lately?

Walnuts will save her life.

According to everywhere, a handful of walnuts contain enough omega-3 fatty acids required for the whole entire day. Omega-3's help reduce blood fat, can help with joint pain and inflammation and it has been found that people who get enough omega-3's are less likely to be depressed.

What?!

Queenie buys walnuts in a large bag and eats them plain. She's basically the only one in her house who likes them unless they're covered in honey and sugar or something along those lines. She could also simply take a cod live oil pill like her Grandma did for all those years but according to the experts, the nutrients are better absorbed from food than supplements.

Also, almonds give you energy so she eats those to.

Sometimes she mixes all this together in a bowl for breakfast ...

 


and has this for lunch!


Baby steps Internet ... baby steps!!


4.7.13

What's Green and Red and Yellow All Over?

She doesn't know but LOOKIT!!
 
Remember a long time ago ... like in two thousand and six, when Queenie told you how she was afraid of bugs and stuff? Back in the days when blogs where blogs and not advertisements or contests or advice on how to change your dependent elderly person's diaper the correct way ... or potty training your two year old kind of thing ... right ... 

So she's pretty sure she even showed you a photograph of her fear of bugs. It would have looked strikingly similar to a June bug trapped under an overturned glass. One time she actually even did this with a FROG that entered her home. The point is ... bug or whatever, stays trapped under glass or pot or bowl or whatever until someone other than Queenie can remove it from her home. Unharmed. See, that's the key ... she doesn't want to be responsible for the death of any living breathing eating pooping creature. No matter how afraid of it she may be, she is not a murderer.

Moth3

 This would be her this morning on her way to work. You're probably wondering what the problem is. Like ... maybe she smells something ... gross or maybe she has a bad taste in her mouth ... or maybe she was all hi-ho hi-ho, it's off to work we go and then BAM!!!

 THIS...

Moth2

IS NOT A LEAF like she originally thought and attempted to remove by using her foot!! 

This is a moth Internet! A MOTH!! 

Or maybe she should say alien because holy hell look at that thing! 

That thing is more intricate than she is!! She's pretty sure those are eyes on it's wings too! It has to be from outer space because what the hell kind of caterpillar is THAT??! That picture doesn't even depict the monster like furry body it had! Or the thick hair clad legs that gripped her tire with the might of all the Greek gods combined because when she tried to push it off with the marshmallow roasting stick, it wouldn't budge!

 Don't tell her kids she used the marshmallow stick or they'll never roast marshmallows again! 

Alien ... Like what kind of bird is going to eat that thing? 

Mother Nature you're on some pretty messed up stuff ... 

Moth 

This isn't the first time some strange and wonderful creature has graced her humble abode. What it was just last week when her kid came to her and in a loud whisper said, "Umm OMG theres a snake in the house!" Obviously Queenie's reply was, "oh well, it can just ... THERES A WHO IN THE WHAT????!!!? As she and the child both climbed atop the kitchen island and wrung their hands together. The best part was that Mr.Q wasn't home so they were basically screwed until Queenie realized that she had two cats whom were purchased for this exact thing! 

 So they got the cat. They placed the cat in front of the closet where the snake took shelter. Then they waited ... 

And they waited ... 

and waited ... 

Then Queenie and her daughter went outside because THERES A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE! What? The cat had it covered. Like when does a cat ever simply give up and say, "pfft ... I'm not stalking the snake anymore ... I'll just let it live." 

Like NEVER. 

Except Queenie's cat. 

She gave up. What kind of a stupid cat gives up?! In the end, Mr.Q got the snake out with a pair of salad tongs. 

Shh ... don't tell the kids about the salad tongs or they'll never eat salad again. 

 Bye.